It is time for the wider world to know this! I presented it at a prestigious theological institution earlier this year - though it was not as well received as I would have hoped (not one of the professors requested my research notes!).

Thank you for inviting me to speak tonight on the influence of M. Goose in the eschatological and hermeneutic approach evident in Paul’s Corinthian correspondence. Because of time I must confine my remarks directly to the influence of Itsy Bitsy Spider. I refer interested persons to my exhaustive four volume work, First Corinthians, a Deconstructive Reconstruction of the Relevant Idiosyncratic Idioms Connecting M. Goose and the Verse School of First Century Palestine, published by University of Woolloomooloo Press.

First I should tell you that this text is not undisputed, despite Perry Deigh’s dating of our earliest manuscripts of Itsy Bitsy Spider to the first century of the Common Era. Perry Deigh’s main detractor would have to be Professor of Ancient Nursery Rhymes at Harvard University, Crispus Gaius, who has argued that the manuscript identified by Perry Deigh is in fact type-written, though beyond this minor technical point, Professor Gaius has not put forward any substantive support for his objection. I myself am unconvinced; especially since it seems to me First Corinthians cannot be properly understood without seeing the inter-textual collaborative influence of Itsy Bitsy Spider in Paul’s style.

The figure of the spider, particular the itsy bitsy spider is one familiar to any student of ancient texts, particularly those of Babylonian origin, as a symbol of the personally depersonalized embodiment of kenotic individuality. The figure of the waterspout relates directly to First Corinthians as the obstacle to a life lived in holiness. Despite repetitive rain-sun cycles, indicative of the predictable randomness of daily life, the spider is called upon to traverse this water spout, on a journey to its own teleological eschaton.

Paul had this vision of apocatastasis in mind when dealing with the Corinthian community. I site in particular chapter 10, verses 31 and 32: “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God.” Just as the itsy bitsy spider was called upon to transcend its circumstance, so Paul calls the Corinthians to an imitation of the itsy bitsy spider, to become the embodiment of apocalyptic hope in the face of adverse weather patterns. The itsy bitsy spider has become for Paul and for the community of Corinth the embodiment of redemptive conscience, and the waterspout represents the physical world which we are called to bodily overcome.

Thank you for your attention.